Just as this year has been a rollercoaster for me, well September was the most depressing. Okay, like you all know, I am unemployed (gosh, I really need to stop saying that, I sound like a broken record), for those of you who don’t know why, you should check HERE. Anyways, September was the most depressing because my rent was due on Oct 4 and it was the time for me to come to terms with my situation or do something about it; get the money before the due date or just move out. So here’s why I could not write at that time;
I felt like a prisoner in my own apartment?
Yes, I have been unemployed before but this time I was living alone (uh, my sister loved to stay most weekends uninvited but…) and paying bills so it was tough. And for someone that on weekdays is out of the house by 7am to staying at home every day, was not a pleasant one. Besides in my compound they were always around and whether they were talking about me or not, I just felt like they did and I was worried about what they would say when they find out I am at home. Somehow, this made me really destabilized; it was so bad that I had to make sure I wasn’t making noise while I cooked.
Was preparing to move
After months of starting a business, meeting people to assist with a job, applied online and attended a job interview with no results, I decided to stop fighting the fact that I can’t pay for that apartment. So I told myself I was moving out (back to my mum’s house). Before then I thought since I can’t pay for the place and my sister hates her place, she might want to pay for the house but sadly, she didn’t have the money at the time. We considered borrowing but it just wasn’t working out. Though I accepted physically, I didn’t accept it mentally until the agent of the house came to my door to inspect; yeah, I informed my landlord I wouldn’t be renewing the rent but I had no idea he had already informed the agent ,beside I still had three weeks left (People right? So unreasonable!).
Was emotional destabilized?
Not going to lie but I felt really disappointed. I was there for just a year, the house was so unkempt, I did a lot of work there; from the electrical work to carpentry to painting (*sigh* just sad thinking about it) that I felt like I wasted my money and time for nothing. I never imagined my life would be like this; although I doubt my previous job would have been able to pay the rent but I could have worked something out. I just felt like staying indoors till I was ready to move and my sister was not helping matters cause she kept showing up at my door and people knew I was at home but at that point I didn’t care since my caretaker knew I was leaving so… but I was down, really down. After the agent showed up, I knew it was time to start packing (imagine trying to avoid embarrassment and then your agent shows up, it doesn’t get any more embarrassing than that). Meanwhile, the night before I moved, I had a dream about my first love proposing to me. I have not had such dream before (I had mostly bad dreams in that house); it was really mature and fulfilling. When I woke up, I had this smile on my face and somehow just believed everything will be okay. To me, that dream was a sign that I had to leave that house, that it wasn’t the right place for me – did I mention how I kept falling sick there? Guess, everything worked out for my good, who knows if I had borrowed money or did something stupid to keep the apartment and something terrible happened to me.
I was lucky enough to have my brother help me pack (well, it’s the least he could do since he is one of the reasons I had to leave my mum’s house in the first place), we moved everything within a week and I had a week left to my rent expiring. So I got to my mums’ house and I started doing some real cleaning; my brothers live with my mum, so you know how dirty and disorganized the house was. It took me a week to put things in order. My sister had a month left for her rent to expire but she kept complaining about how there was no water in their compound, low voltage blah blah but I know she couldn’t wait to get back so we could stay together (she is obsessed with me.. it’s weird), also the fact that I take care of most of her needs and she cares little about mine…
Just trying to come to terms with my new life
I didn’t have it in me to write because there was nothing to say. I was just trying to fit back into my life (staying with my family and maybe try to get another job). It’s been really quiet; don’t really hear from people anymore, there is always something to do like cleaning since the house is always a mess thanks to my brothers, cooking… It’s a full house, I’m a thirty something woman leaving with my siblings and mum, without a job and a partner (it could be worse).
So yeah, these things were quite distracting, hence why I just could not write. I enjoy writing, it helps me clear my head and ease my nerves. Though it would have helped my emotional state but a lot was going on that I had to do so I stopped for a while. So far, it’s not so bad at my mum’s, at least I don’t have to bother about rent for some time and I get to continue doing what I love and not be in a hurry to get any job just to lose it all over again. I’m just happy to be writing again, it’s been therapeutic and I hope it is for you as well.
Cheers…and all the best this new week!!!