I began to see life differently, I guess, I grew up. It was very painful because I wasn’t with him when he died so I decided to do things that would only make him proud. I knew the pains he took to train my brothers, sister and I in school and I didn’t want to disappoint him. After some days, I didn’t have sex with my boyfriend and I went back to Lagos.
After some months, my Industrial training was over and the next year was my final year. I dint want to stay in the hostel so I paid for a lodge with a female friend. Having sex and getting pregnant would really disappoint my dad and since I didn’t want disappoint him, I decided not to have sex (besides my course mates were getting knocked up; some had an abortion while others gave birth) with my boyfriend but I didn’t tell him that, I just gave excuses about it being painful. We had foreplay and stuff but I didn’t want sex; I wasn’t so crazy about his affairs anymore, I was just tired of trying so hard. My grades were so poor the year before that I wanted to get my act back together. It’s not that I didn’t love him anymore; I just didn’t want to lose myself in the relationship, I wanted to be better, do better. I have always been independent and learnt at an early age to do things on my own but I got lost in my relationship that my dad’s death was the only thing that woke me up from that. I realized we would all die someday, why do I have to live my life being frustrated cause a guy cannot see what’s in front of him? Life is too short to be in a toxic relationship.
I felt violated; we talked about it the next day. He said he’s been starved of sex and loves me so much that he needed it so bad and I said he should have told me how he was feeling that I’m his girlfriend. He said if he mentioned it, I wouldn’t want to cause of the pain so he hoped if he did it while I was asleep I won’t feel the pain that much. The experience just kept pushing me farther away from him; when I think about what my Uncle did to me and what my boyfriend was doing, it made me not to trust being at his side or with him. I felt betrayed because I told him about my Uncle before we became intimate, he should have known better. All these were signs that the relationship was not going anywhere nor had any future.